Powerless

There are days when I wake up in the morning where I feel that I don't have control over what is going to happen that day. Days when I wake up and think that this day is different somehow. Not in a good way, but in a way that leads me to believe that an unexpected piece of news will come my way and rock my world in a manner that I have never experienced before. When those days come along, I am anxious, I know the news is coming. It is out there, I just have to find it. unfortunately, bad news doesn't always seek you, but it is you who must search for it sometimes. I burn through my minutes on my cell phone searching for the right combination of words to extract this piece of news from friends, family or whoever may quell my insurmountable anxiety that is peaking as the minutes tick away on the clock. tick. tock. tick. tock. tick. tock.

nothing.

Nobody answers their phone. nobody wants to subside my fears. What is happening? Is everybody safe? where are my loved ones? I can't put a finger on it, but something is wrong. something is undeniably wrong.

the phone rings.

the voice on the other end is calm, collected, steady. Like it was shocked with an electric pulse that rendered the speaker emotionless. I heard the words. They sunk in, but the magnitude of their impact wasn't immediately felt. The aftershock was rough though. I felt a sinking feeling deep inside me. My mouth gaped wide open. My eyes welled up with tears, and i felt my voice leave my wide open lips with a crackle. I dont remember what I said. I knew it was coming, but I was hoping that it would be a bit later. This soon?

I hung up the phone.

I dipped my head in my hands and felt the angst and the emotion course through my body. I was crying.

I talked to her last almost one year ago. I told her I would come home and visit her. I haven't had the chance to though. Money was always tight. Money always ends up being the problem. I hate that distance separated us in her last days. Now, it's too late.

I will never see her again.

My Nana.